An opening - stream of conciousness - Manchester debrief

Dear Panda cub. I think this is gonna be a stream of conciousness.

I have tried for 14-months to live without you, and while doing so, I started looking for replacements for your place in my life. I needed someone geographically close to me to make me feel what you make me feel, but that is not possible. This intense love drive that I have for you is the strongest thing I have ever experienced, and there is no substitute for it. When I had sex with a different person, I had to picture your face in my mind to even have the slightest chance of making anything happen. I don't want to start doing that again – trying to find a substitute. I want you, even if you're not geographically close.

We first got to know each other when I was in a very odd place in life. I was a mentally very ill person, who walked around with delusions, auditive hallucinations and suffered from some kind of compulsive lying, but at the bottom of all of it I was still me. When we first met in person I was in a similar, but also very different place in life. As a consequence of the develoment of the illness and/or medications, my character had changed. I felt like my person was trapped inside a web. My brain didn't the function the way it is supposed to, I couldn't lead spontaneous conversations, tell a story from start to end, or generally be an interesting human being. But throughout all this, which was like hell for me, I was still in love with you, and it hurt me that I couldn't be who I knew I really was. You, the kind, kind, loving creature that you truly are, stuck by me, even though the person you loved wasn't fully there. 
I will never forget that. But then I got over this stage, and I could be myself again. And we got back to the same speed, and you could love a person of the present again.

A year went past. I did stupid things, then I realised I loved you too much and wouldn't have anyone else. My heart got broken, we stopped talking so that maybe my love would disappear or quiet down. It did quiet down, or it was hid away in a corner where I could keep my eyes off of it for the most of the time. Then you were there again, and the love I had hid away was creeping back into me. I tried dating someone I wasn't attracted to, and it just made it more clear that I was in love with you all along. So I had a choice, - I could chase you or I could try putting you away again. All my friends advised me to be a rational person and let you be, and try to move on. I thought about that – hard. But I couldn't do that, and I didn't want to do that. I needed to see you, to hold you again, to be together with you again. And... I love you. And this poorly structured text was my stream of conciousness.