Today

My love for you is like noodles, long and yielding.

I'll be the first to admit I overlooked your feelings.

Sometimes I forget how much you actually care about me, and it always surprises me to see you upset over small things that I didn't think about.

Like the other day - I'm quite a recluse in my habits and very much an independent soul. I don't need to keep in contact with my friends all the time, I don't need to talk to them all the time and I don't feel they need to hear from me all the time either.

For example, I haven't spoken to my best friend since February. But it doesn't change anything, and she knows me, and as soon as we see each other again it will be like there never was a break. She's still my bestfriend.

What I'm trying to say is, even though I might not be talking to you all the time, it doesn't mean I don't think about you, or I'm not thinking about what you're doing, where you are, who you're with. You're on my mind, I just don't always communicate it.

And I know you have a completely different attitude, and you see it a different way. But just try to see if from my point of view too. I show my appreciation in a different way.
Trust me when I say this is as good as I get - which I know is awful.

I know you need the communication, the confirmation and the contact a lot more. You get jealous and anxious and needy and that's fine. It's just I need my space and you know and respect that.

And now I need to try to respect what you need too.

If you were here, I would poke you and hug you and not let go even if you tried to shake me off until you broke a smile. And then I would cook you a hearty meal and sit you outside in the last bits of the evening sunshine with a nice ol' book. (after you washed the dishes of course).

I'm not insensitive, just difficult and silly and, most of all; sorry.

:).

Yesterday

You probably haven't done anything wrong in most peoples eyes. You chose to ignore me for 30 hours, and maybe that's normal, I don't know.

You said you may be going out, so when I never heard from you I thought maybe something happened to you. But there was facebook activity the next morning, so I realised that wasn't it. Then what could it be, why would you just ignore me?
I was telling myself «I'm sure she's busy doing something important, like corresponding with lawyers or something of that sort», and I tried to hang on to that, but it didn't keep me from thinking...

The thoughts kept spinning... At one point I decided that I would break up with you if you hadn't made contact by midnight (your 11), although I knew I would never do that.
But then at midnight, I asked you whether you had a good reason for not replying. That hurt me, that I had to ask you.

To be busy is fine, to say that you'd like to be alone and have some quiet for a day or a few days is fine, to have a reason not to talk to me and not talk to me can also be fine. To not have a reason and still ignore me is not fine. It either demonstrates how little you know me feelings, or how little you care. That hurt me.

Sometimes... I feel like you could make more of an effort. It's nice when your person makes you feel wanted, special, cared for.

Something needs to change, that's for sure.

Favourite shit

Favourite anything: Jazz

Favourite movie: Pride and Prejudice(2005)

Favourite book: Kafka on the Shore

Favourite fabric: Tweed
Favourite anime: Neon Genesis Evangelion

Favourite modern saxophone: Yanagisawa 992 (one day...)

Favourite vintage saxophone: King Zephyr Special

Favourite jazz player: James Carter
Favourite jazz composer: Charlie parker
Favourite classical player: Jean-Yves Thibaudet
Favourite classical composer: Difficult, but definetly impressionist. Debussy, Ravel or Satie.

Favourite tree: European spruce

Favourite uptempo jazz song: Confirmation by Charlie Parker

Favourite downtempo jazz song: Roman Nights by Tom Harrell

Favourite classical piece(s): Vocalise by Rachmaninov, Je te veux by Eric Satie, Reverie by Claude Debussy

Favourite beer brewery: Nøgne Ø (norwegian microbrewery)

Favourite poet: Robert Frost

Favourite food: Udon noodles (the fat kind)
Favourite dog breed: Alaska Malamute, occasionally Shar Pei
Favourite city: London
Favourite potential day: Spend half day in bed with S, then take her out to buy her shit she wants, then drink moderate amount of aquavit and beer with S and my lads before going to listen to James Carter live at Ronnie Scott's. Drink some more while watching the gig of a lifetime before taking S home to enjoy her body.
Favourite dream destination: Tokyo
Favourite philosopher: Peter Singer
Favourite political party: Rødt (Red Party of Norway)


Can't think of anything else... Do return the favor.

Comment.

Today has been rather busy, what between my dreadful interview at Roka which really, truly is stunning. (Amateur mistake of being late..) and helping my mum out with her settlement case. It has glass surrounding all sides, which can be opened from top to bottom creating this open-plan alfresco dining with the outside. A stunning part of London I never even ventured into. God I love it.

I've also went to a BP Discovery day yesterday on Wells. Very, very interesting and highly recommended. I've always felt I've had no sort of direction, no aim since I started my degree. It picks at all my weak points and forces me to work with them instead of playing to my strengths. But I truly, truly see something interesting now that I think I'll really enjoy. I'm determined to pick up my grades next year and get onto one of their internships/challenge course. 1 month on with lots of danger, 1 month off to travel - sounds like a dream, and every person I met working there was so lovely. I did feel like some of the other people I was with weren't that receptive to me though, maybe slightly cold. Which always makes me feel down. But I met this guy (Chinese, of course) from Cambridge doing general engineering who was really cool, and also 3 other people from my year I'd hardly talked to before.

The world is so small.

Your last post makes me a little annoyed. At 'Fluffy'. first off - honestly, who calls themselves that, it's a bit too try hard to be cute isn't it? Okay that was mean. I'm just annoyed because she struck a nerve..

On the one hand I think 'Who is she to meddle and stick her nose into what is between us', on the other, I know she is just being a good friend and doing what I would do. It's funny, if I wasn't involved, I would probably give the same advice. But I don't think you necessarily need that much common ground for a relationship to work. I think it's much more about chemistry, communication and being able to take an interest in each other's interests. I'm not saying that I like everything you like - gosh no, I have to be true to myself - but it is good to open your eyes to different things.
Plus, I always think it is much more about being in sync with regards to giving and taking.

I believe in the end, it's about knowing what the other person needs, and being able to give that to them emotionally when they need it. And vice versa. It's not always about interests.
A simple example is - if it was, why then are you not with Fluffy?

Answer: Interests change.

Fill up our space

My friend Fluffy has on several occasions pointed it out me that: «You have nothing in common.You should probably end it now while you still can». But she also said that, and I quote again, «But I get it, I know what you feel».

Isn't it easy, to just live and love, rather than to be the rational person and having to sacrifice what doesn't need to be sacrificed. One could give up and be miserable now, but recover and be happy in a more convenient future. Or one could give everything and lose, but the loss is luckily with no regret having actually tried. Or one could win – a time or maybe a lifetime of love and companionship.

This is not a dilemma for me. My emotions usually seem to conquer the right to rule the path I take in life, and I refuse to be a bitter man who didn't take love as far as it could go.

There is no doubt as to what I feel, but both rationality and emotions aside, I want to explore the common ground that we share. To know if something is going to hold, you have to know everything about the foundation – because that one crucial malfunction might tear everything down afterwards.

Darling, give me something I didn't know.  

Pandaology 101 - 1st dilemma

«But I am not sure about dwelling too much on discussing what we feel. It is too complex a subject that might lead only to disappointment.»

During my visit you half-jokingly questioned whether I really knew you at all, as a result of me not knowing your favorite colour, and that I couldn't possibly know all of you, since I hadn't been able to be with you over a longer period of time before.

That has stuck in my mind, and my thoughts keep circling... «Is she right? Do I really know her as well as I imagine? Do I even know her better than her newly found uni friends? Yes, for sure, I know stuff about her that she would never tell those people. She and I go way back, she tells me more than anyone else. I need to be the closest to her. What does she and M discuss when they sit talking on her bed for hours several times a week... does she lay out her heart for him? How close is he really? The only thing I know she never discusses is me. And there I am. The part of her life that cannot be shared with others. Is that a good thing – maybe I am too precious and private for her to share with anyone else – or is she hiding me for other purposes...»

What do we feel? I am in love. Are you in love? I think you are, maybe... Well, you're something. Now I'm making it sound trivial, but don't get me wrong. You're my closest one, and I love you.

My idea for this thing came from the desire to know you as well and in-depth as possible. I thought this would enable me to see into the landscape of your persona that you wouldn't normally share. I want to know everything there is about the person that I love; all perceptions, all opinions, all thoughts. So keep going.

Thirsty; a pun.

My debut post of sorts.

It's been expected for a few nights now, but I've been stuck with how to respond and how I should go about this. 

I am not a public person when it comes to my thoughts and the idea of having to share them is a difficult one for me to imagine putting into practice. It is rare for me to even volunteer information on how I spend my time on a day-to-day basis. I am a recluse by nature.

I don't think being a recluse has to necessarily mean one doesn't enjoy the company of others, every so often. I know I do, I love it in fact. And this is a common misconception in my opinion.

Company is such a lovely, wonderful thing. It can warm the heart, make you forget all your troubles and fears and practicality. It can also change you. Change your opinions, change rationality and change the path of your life. It is an infection of sorts in many cases be it for better or worse.

Those precious few days we had to ourselves made you forget our problems, but they made me remember how easy it was to just be myself in your company. No need to make false, 'interesting' conversation for the sake of someone else like I feel like I have to do sometimes. The soft sound of silence is not unwelcome like it normally is. It is not awkward, it is comfortable. And I don't feel like I have to try to impress you or that I may be judged for something stupid that I say - i.e. when it comes to that wonderful topic of feminism..

It's truly touching, your last post. I never understand why you actually like me more than any of the other girls, because I'm not any more interesting or kind or funny or knowledgeable about your interests than them. And I will always be a skeptic. But thank you, you have made me feel like I made a difference to someone.

It's easy to forget that period when you completely closed yourself off to me last summer - you were cold and spiteful and I remember crying every night (after everyone went to bed in silence under my duvet) for a while because this was supposed to be someone that had claimed only 3 months ago that they would do anything for me. It seemed like at the time, everything was as I had originally thought - you were never really in love with me. It was just more words.

I guess that period was a blessing in disguise though. It made me a bit tougher, it made me put thoughts of you down. I could remember you with neutrality instead of some kind of strong emotion which I hated feeling. And when you made contact again, it was in your own time and on my terms. I was okay treating you as a friend.

I'll be honest, you didn't come to mind at all when I kissed other people. I know that must hurt you, but you should understand how I deal with emotions already. You hurt me: I respond either by dealing with it and moving on or just forgetting about it. But all the while, believe me when I say you still had a place in my heart.

That bit must be obvious when instead of going out with friends, I stayed in and talked to you, especially in the last few months. I suppose a little bit of our before was creeping back up to me. But I wonder if it's because it's what is comfortable.

I'll say this much. It did hurt a little when I found out (late) that yet again, you had a new squeeze, and I wondered more than a few times at night - when you didn't respond to me fast enough/at all - if you were fucking her instead because I was a boring shit. I thought at that moment guys were all the same.

The line that touches me the most is that you think I'm kind, and that you'll never forget it. That is the one line I have committed to my long-term memory. (It's hard, I know).

But I am not sure about dwelling too much on discussing what we feel. It is too complex a subject that might lead only to disappointment.

About MY and the situation with A. Well, lets just say I always thought you were a secret drama queen, attracted to all things high-drama. You've never told me this stuff, and it makes me wonder how much else you haven't told me. And everything you've told me about her doesn't match the description of 'someone who is happy all the fucking time'.

Is it sad I never had such an interesting life?

Turbulence

This post will be about the most turbulent and in certain ways shittiest part of my life so far.

It takes place when a rather different, young me is 15. This summer, before starting 10^th grade, I fell in love for the first time. It was young and adorable. I had just left a very hard time adjusting to new school, new friends and all the shit you know about (that I will probably write more about at some point), and so it came at the perfect time. I was a young lost soul, and I was fortunate enough to meet a person with enough character to choose to get to know me rather than leave it be, due to my somewhat damaged reputation. So we started our relationship, but it turns out, maybe a little too early and too fast.

This young girl (MY) had a few months previously entered a relationship with another dude. This dude («A» from now on) was an «underage» (claiming to be) asylum seeker, and he was a part of a larger group of asylum seekers that lived together in an institution for youths in the same situation. These asylum seekers would receive education in special classes at my new school, and they usually hung out by themselves. MY was in a small group of people who made friends with a click of the oldest of these asylum seekers. A develops feelings for MY, and they enter a relationship during that spring. He tells her the truth, that he is actually not underage, but 19, and that he was a child soldier in Chechnya, and about the horrors that he has seen and done (these details are unclear). This relationship drifts apart without any sort of definitive verbal ending, and it is here that she meets me.

We go about our ways, we're young and in love and life is sweet, but then hell breaks loose. A and his psycho friends discover that MY has entered a new relationship. First I receive threatening messages, for example «We're going to get you», «We're going to kill you». Then I tried to respond to these messages and to reason with them, but with no results. I start getting phone calls from unknown numbers that hang up. By this point I am so scared and paranoid that I don't leave the house unless I absolutely have to, and I don't go to the local town centre where they usually patrol around looking for people they have a beef with. One day I get a call from a friend, who overheard that they are getting lots of people together to find me and kill me, although nothing happens. I barricade myself in my home with the weapons I can find and hope for the best, considering whether I should call the police or not. I end up not calling. I know those guys out there looking for me carry whatever weapons they can hide from their teachers. During this time, I never left my home without a knife. All through this, MY and her friends, who knows them, try to reason with them and calm the situation.

One night, feeling safe enough, I go the festival in the town centre to enjoy myself with friends. They're there, and after trying to find a way out avoiding them, I end up getting beat up by two of them. No bad injuries, but I remember. Actually, A tried to stop them, being the most sympathetic person in the group.

The memories are so foggy. Lots of shit went down, and there were other encounters, but I think I've captured the essence of it. Some more time passed, and I eventually received their forgiveness, I think. Or so they said, and I never talked to them again. The gang was sent to different parts of the country and disbanded, and I went back to a more relaxed life then the hell I had spent the past six months in.

In retrospect I'm surprised but happy that these events have not shaped my views on immigration and other cultures in any way.

I saw A when I was driving home yesterday, I think that was what made me think of these events.

An opening - stream of conciousness - Manchester debrief

Dear Panda cub. I think this is gonna be a stream of conciousness.

I have tried for 14-months to live without you, and while doing so, I started looking for replacements for your place in my life. I needed someone geographically close to me to make me feel what you make me feel, but that is not possible. This intense love drive that I have for you is the strongest thing I have ever experienced, and there is no substitute for it. When I had sex with a different person, I had to picture your face in my mind to even have the slightest chance of making anything happen. I don't want to start doing that again – trying to find a substitute. I want you, even if you're not geographically close.

We first got to know each other when I was in a very odd place in life. I was a mentally very ill person, who walked around with delusions, auditive hallucinations and suffered from some kind of compulsive lying, but at the bottom of all of it I was still me. When we first met in person I was in a similar, but also very different place in life. As a consequence of the develoment of the illness and/or medications, my character had changed. I felt like my person was trapped inside a web. My brain didn't the function the way it is supposed to, I couldn't lead spontaneous conversations, tell a story from start to end, or generally be an interesting human being. But throughout all this, which was like hell for me, I was still in love with you, and it hurt me that I couldn't be who I knew I really was. You, the kind, kind, loving creature that you truly are, stuck by me, even though the person you loved wasn't fully there. 
I will never forget that. But then I got over this stage, and I could be myself again. And we got back to the same speed, and you could love a person of the present again.

A year went past. I did stupid things, then I realised I loved you too much and wouldn't have anyone else. My heart got broken, we stopped talking so that maybe my love would disappear or quiet down. It did quiet down, or it was hid away in a corner where I could keep my eyes off of it for the most of the time. Then you were there again, and the love I had hid away was creeping back into me. I tried dating someone I wasn't attracted to, and it just made it more clear that I was in love with you all along. So I had a choice, - I could chase you or I could try putting you away again. All my friends advised me to be a rational person and let you be, and try to move on. I thought about that – hard. But I couldn't do that, and I didn't want to do that. I needed to see you, to hold you again, to be together with you again. And... I love you. And this poorly structured text was my stream of conciousness.