Some relief

I am so angry all the time.

Macho/feminine, dominant/submissive, rough/soft, alpha/beta, aggressive/passive. All these terms floating around in my mind all the time... Which of them am I, which am I not? And this anger, these demons, it all stems from here – my insecurities about my own persona.

All through my childhood I was the top chief – always in the leader seat and never shy of conflict. Honest truth – that's not who I am today. I'm certainly a more passive character, and not an enthusiast for conflict and arguments. But something changed along the way – and I believe that happenened during my bad period, where everything went to shit. My personality changed as a consequence of the actions that were done to me, and unfortunately these were some of the most crucial years in the human being's personal development.

Where am I now? My mind is troubled with anger, fear, frustration, violent fantasies, internal struggle and messed up sexual fantasies, and I don't seem to be able to find the way out.

I don't know what you want me to be, but I think most of this is rooted in the fear of not being that – not measuring up to what you expect. I want you to know every part of me, and to be accepted and loved nonetheless, but I fear that that will break something.

Being Paul Desmond seems nice... But I'm sure he had his demons as well.
Even on the saxophone I don't know. Should I play tenor or alto or soprano? Should I play rough, should I play soft? Your instrumental voice should resemble your own. Paul Desmond did that.

Suppose this will have to suffice for misery for one morning ;-)
Love you.